my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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