my phone needs a breathalizer
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize