I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
