I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
