so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
