All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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