I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
