She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
