Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
