the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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