if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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