there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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