I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
