It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize