I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
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can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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