if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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