they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
