8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
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Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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