that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
