dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
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My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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