My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
