You made me cry and you don't even care
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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