I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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