I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
