I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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