So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
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You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I could fuck to npr.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I forget how to act sober
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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