you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
