You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
