I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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