So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
