At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
