i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
