turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You're like the curious george of whores
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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