What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
