girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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