You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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