Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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