if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
