I think I won the penis lottery.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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