he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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