Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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