he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
