Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we made out on top of his cat.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
