and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
