Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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