Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
