I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
