im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
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He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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