the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
