i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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