Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
