Got a toothbrush?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
whose ass print is on the piano?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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