Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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