I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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