the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
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