Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
