He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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