I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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