yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
